Difficult Conversations
THREE CONVERSATIONS
1. Conversation about facts. What happened objectively, without interpretation?
2. Conversation about feelings. How do we each feel? Acknowledge feelings without judgment or
interpretation.
3. Conversation about identity. Are our identities being threatened? Reinforce identity.
FEELINGS
Feelings are how you’re feeling in the situation. Sometimes we confuse judgment with feeling.
Feelings: I feel hurt. I feel lonely. I feel confused. I feel curious. I feel hopeful.
Not feelings: I feel blamed, I feel excluded. I feel complimented. I feel appreciated.
When your needs are met, you might feel:
Absorbed aroused composed adventurous astonished concerned affectionate blissful confident
alert breathless contented alive buoyant cool amazed calm curious amused carefree dazzled
animated cheerful delighted appreciative comfortable eager ardent complacent ebullient ecstatic
helpful radint effervescent hopeful rapturous elated inquisitive refreshed enchanted inspired
relaxed encouraged intense relieved energetic interested satisfied engrossed intrigued secure
enlivened invigorated sensitive enthusiastic involved serene excited joyous joyful spellbound
exhilirated jubilant splendid expansive keyed-up stimulated expectant loving surprised exultant
mellow tender fascinated merry thankful free mirthful thrilled friendly moved touched fulfilled
optimistic tranquil glad overjoyed trusting gleeful overwhelmed upboat glorious peaceful warm
glowing perky wide-awake good-humorued pleasant wonderful grateful pleased zestful gratified
proud happy quiet
When your needs are not met, you might feel:
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Afraid ashamed cool aggravated beat cross agitated bewildered dejected alarmed bitter depressed
aloof blah despairing angry blue despondent anguished bored detached annoyed brokenhearted
disaffected anxious chagrined disenchanted apathetic cold disappointed apprehensive concerned
discouraged aroused confused disgruntled disgusted impatient sad dishearteded indifferent
scared dismayed intense sensitive displeased irate shaky disquieted irked shocked distressed
irritated skeptical disturbed jealous sleepy downcast kittery sorrowful downhearted keyed-kup
sorry dull lazy spiritless embarassed edgy leery startled lethargic surprised embittered listless
suspicious exhausted mad terrified fatigued mean tired fearful miserable troubled fidgety mopey
uncomfortable frightened mournful uneasy frustrated nervous unglued furious nettled unhappy
gloomy numb unnerved guilty overwhelmed unsteady harried panicky upset heavy passive
uptight helpless perplexed vexed hesitant pessimistic weary horrified puzzled wistful horrible
rancorous withdrawn hostile reluctant woeful hot repelled worried humdrum resentful wretched
hurt restless
IDENTITY CONVERSATIONS
In identity conversations, we take things personally. Really personally. One person will say “you
left your socks on the floor” and you might find yourself upset, saying, “I have a right to leave my
socks anywhere I want to!!” That reaction is far out of proportion to the original statement. The
original statement was even a statement of fact: the socks were left on the floor. But you may
have heard something like, “You’re a messy person,” “You’re inconsiderate,” or even “You’re bad
or evil.”
When someone hears an attack on their identity, they react strongly, as if being physically
attacked. Very often, however, the person doesn’t realize that their reaction is out of proportion,
nor do they realize what they heard is quite different from what was actually said.
During a difficult conversation, make sure to ground yourself in your own identity, and help the
other person stay grounded in their identity. you may find it helpful to reaffirm someone’s
identity, making a firm distinction between them and the facts of the situation. Ask: What's at
stake for you about you? what do you need to accept to be better grounded?
Identities you (or they!) might have
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© 2013 Stever Robbins, Inc.
Stever Robbins, Inc.
PO Box 400158
Cambridge, MA 02140-0002
617-354-1446
[email protected]
• I am an engineer.
• I do quality.
• I am a scientist.
• I learn fast.
• I am an artist.
• I am ethical.
• I am creative.
• I am a good boyfriend/girlfriend.
• I am brilliant.
• I do what’s right.
• I am trustworthy.
• I get things done.
• I am competent.
• I am a considerate roommate.
• I am interesting.
• People like me.
• I am worthy.
• I am a good friend.
• I am dependable.
• I am a smart person.
• I do good work.