Church Geometry 101:
Of Circles and Triangles, Dialogue and Debate
Rev. Robin Landerman Zucker
First Unitarian Church of Pittsburgh
September 21, 2014
There is a Native American tale, told around the Sacred Fire. An old
Grandfather said to his grandson, who came to him with anger at a friend who
had done him an injustice. “Let me tell you a story. I too, at times, have felt great
hate for those who have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do. But
hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It's like taking poison and
wishing your enemy would die."
"I have struggled with these feelings many times," admits the Grandfather.
"It is as if there are two wolves inside me. One is good and does no harm. He
lives in harmony with all around him and does not take offense when no offense
was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way.”
“But...the other wolf... ah! The littlest thing will send him into a fit of
temper. He fights everyone, all of the time, for no reason. He cannot think
because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger, for his anger will
change nothing. Sometimes it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for
both of them try to dominate my spirit." The boy looked intently into his
Grandfather's eyes and asked, "Which one wins, Grandfather? The old man
smiled and quietly said, "The one I feed."
We may not typically think of congregational life as a pew full of wolves.
Yet, this Native American story offers us a gateway into an exploration of selfawareness, how we communicate with one another; the downside of gossip,
debate, and triangles; and the role of genuine dialogue in creating positive
connections between people with differing viewpoints.
On a global level, it may be unrealistic to expect terrorists to submit to the
dialogic process (which is inherently healing and constructive). Although, we can
keep trying and hoping. However, in the vast majority of our everyday
interactions, the possibility does exist to mindfully resolve conflict and cultivate
what the Buddhists call “right speech” if we're willing to learn some of the steps of
disciplined dialogue.
First, it’s helpful to locate ourselves in our culture. Despite the claims of
our allegedly pluralistic society, Americans can be shockingly ignorant about
individuals and groups who are different from themselves. Not surprisingly, one
of the first rules of dialogue is to "accept the other in his or her otherness."
And, now I bring the discussion squarely into this Sanctuary, where we are
the participants. "The other" in our midst here at First Unitarian can be a subtle
"other." Throughout our history, we have been a notably homogeneous group –
white European Americans mostly, middle class mostly, from Jewish, Christian,
and Unitarian Universalist backgrounds mostly. The arc towards a more diverse
denomination continues to bend and this benefits us all.
In terms of the more subtle otherness - We hold different political or
theological perspectives, or opposing viewpoints about church governance, or
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how the budget should be allocated, or what to do about the building. These may
seem like trivial matters compared to the fate of the free world, but we must start
where we are.
Diplomacy, interdependence, compromise, and caring community begin at
home. Peace begins in the heart of each person. Healing and building up the
beloved global community begins here, not in Washington, DC or Moscow or
Baghdad…but with the work of our hands and the words of our mouths. It begin
with self reflection, humility, contrition, and forgiveness within a deep and
authentic dialogue.
As some of you are aware, this week marks the beginning of the most
important of all Jewish observances, the Days of Awe. These ten days that
began at sundown on Wednesday evening encompass both Rosh Hashanah, the
Jewish New Year, and Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. During this period,
Jews throughout the world focus on their lives, take inventory of their behavior
during the previous year, ask forgiveness for those they have wronged, and
repent. Then they are inscribed in the Book of Life for another year -- optimally,
on the page of the righteous.
In his text, The Jewish Way, Rabbi Irving Greenberg explains that " the
tone of the Days of Awe is basically hopeful, even joyful. It seeks nothing less
than the removal of sin and the renewal of love. Those who confront their own
guilt and failure in human and divine relationships can correct errors, develop
new patterns, renew life." Whether we are Jewish, Muslim, UU, or otherwise, we
can abet this renewal process and growth through the practice of intentional
dialogue.
Which brings us back around to my sermon title. First, if dialogue is a
geometric shape, it is most definitely a circle. In his letter to the Corinthians, near
the end of his renowned litany about the characteristics of love, Paul writes, "For
now we see in a mirror dimly, but then, face to face. Now we know in part, then
we shall be fully known."
When we sit face-to-face in dialogue -- in small groups, in Covenant groups, in
Committee meetings, at potluck dinners-- talking to one another rather than
about one another, we can become known. Circles offer us this gift of trustbuilding connection.
But triangles? Well, that's a shape of a different ilk.. At the church level,
triangles, with their inherent rigidity and their sharp, pointy angles, can be
bruising. Often, triangles provide us, like Paul's mirror, with only a dim and
obscured view of one another.
No doubt, triangles can enhance community life when they are
constructive, as in "Oh, please call Sally because she's been feeling blue lately,"
or " Doug was just mentioning the other day how glad he would be to hear from
your committee about joining in." Yet, triangles erode community when they
impede the flow of information or traffic in gossip, assumptions, and hearsay.
For instance, "Did you hear what Sally said to Billy about Debbie?" or "I heard
through the grapevine that the Governing Board is planning to put a cell phone
tower on the roof and I'm hopping mad."
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Think about it -- gossip is rarely warm-hearted; in fact, it's often mean
spirited and inaccurate. No less a sage than Ann Landers remarks, "Gossip can
travel half-way around the world before the truth has time to tie its shoes." Amen
to that, Ann! And, remember that Ann the wise wrote these words before
Facebook, Twitter , cell phone videos, and the internet, which has only upped the
ante on the relentless trafficking of gossip and faux news.
Rabbi Chaim Feld would likely agree with Ann Landers, too. He and a
group of colleagues, backed by an array of politicians and celebrities, launched
a national media campaign a decade ago to reduce gossip in everyday life. His
brainchild, an organization called "Words Can Heal," hopes to remind Americans
about the power of words in order to "improve democracy and build mutual
respect, honor, and integrity.”
The Rabbi’s inspiration? Psalm 34 for starters: "Keep thy tongue from evil
and thy lips from speaking guile." To be sure, words are powerful tools for good;
but they can also be weapons of destruction. It’s our choice. Like the harmonious
wolf, we must decide to speak truth to power, "only choosing to fight when it is
right to do so." We can love linguistically.
In the words of renowned Vietnamese monk and peace activist, Thich
Nhat Han, “it doesn’t cost anything to have loving speech. And just by practicing
deep listening and loving speech we can open the universal door to joy,
happiness and peace for many people and alleviate their suffering.” Claus
echoed this life-giving and healing understanding in his reflection earlier on
empathic non-violent communication.
Getting back to our geometry class – let’s move on to our next
mathematical metaphor , namely two parallel lines, separate and facing one
another in a stance of opposition. We'll call this the geometry of debate. The
foundation of our American culture hinges on freedom of speech flourishing in
the town square. Yet, in her book, The Argument Culture, author Deborah
Tannen explains how our culture has developed a tendency to approach every
problem as if it were a fight between two sides.
According to Tannen, we are living in an attack culture of animosity and
polarized extremes that has all but taken over our public discourse. "We've
gotten to the point where we feel that only debate is acceptable as a form of
discourse," says Tannen, " that only war metaphors work; otherwise, everybody
will be bored and go away." Recent developments have certainly borne out this
observation. She points out that the argument culture of relentless contention has
a corrosive and demoralizing effect on the human spirit.
Robert Fulghum, the well-loved writer (and ordained UU minister, by the
way) relates a story about loggers in the Solomon islands that helps us
understand this in a memorable way. Apparently, when woodsmen cannot fell a
tree by conventional methods, they creep up on that tree at dawn and scream at
it at the top of their lungs for 30 days and then the tree falls over and dies. The
theory is that hollering kills the spirit of the tree.
Fulghum observes that "Yelling at living things does tend to kill the spirit in
them. Sticks and stones may break our bones, but words will break our hearts."
So, let us cease yelling at trees and at one another. Especially in this time of
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social unrest and global uncertainty, let’s do all we can to minimize conflict and
anger in our relationships - in our personal lives, our professional lives, and in our
life here together in our church.
This brings us full circle (pun intended) to the practice of dialogue -- talking
respectfully to one another with words that heal rather than slugging it out or
whispering in the shadows with words that break our hearts. Dialogue, deep
dialogue mindfully practiced, feeds the spirit. It deepens our spirituality as
individuals and as a community, while affirming our third UU principle, "
Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our
congregations."
Dialogue is soul work for all of us -- from the UN to the UUA, in our living
rooms, in the Board room, in the situation room at the Pentagon; for the minister
and member, President and citizen, parent and child. And like any work of
meaning and depth, there are risks, rewards, rights, skills, and responsibilities.
I've prepared an insert for your Order of Service that spells this out and I
encourage you to review it and take it home with you.
I first learned about these risks and rewards during my time at Harvard
Divinity School, when I served as one of the Harvard delegates (and the UU
delegate ever) to an amazing national inter-religious dialogue program called
Seminarians Interacting. In a year of powerful conferences and site visits with my
Christian, Jewish, and Muslim colleagues of all stripes, the most extraordinary
experience for many of us was a visit to Sing Sing prison in Ossining, NY.
Nothing prepares you for the unpleasant enclosing sensation of entering
a maximum security facility like Sing Sing, and rarely had the concept of "the
other" seemed more alien or ominous to most of us. We had gone there to
engage in disciplined dialogue with prisoners, (most of them lifers, all men of
color,) who had been selected to participate in a theological education program.
In accepting this invitation, a number of them had voluntarily been transferred
from less dangerous facilities around NY to Sing Sing.
Our meeting room was stark and drab, with peeling institutional green
paint and thick grating on the windows. The prisoner/students carried their
textbooks in mesh bags that prevented the concealment of contraband. We
carried our books in backpacks and briefcases. Each of them was given a pencil
as our meeting convened. We chose from among a variety of implements in our
bags. There was an awkward stab at introductions, in which those of us from the
outside tried to share the details of our lives without flaunting the fruits of our
freedom.
But once a structured dialogue process began, many of these differences
softened. Whether the topic was process theology or the redemptive qualities of
grace or the efficacy of prison based ministries, we listened and responded with
empathy and respect, even in disagreement. We sought to practice what we had
learned in our workshops -- encounter the other in his otherness, allow yourself
to be transformed by the world of the other, and cross back with an expanded
vision. I learned more about myself through that single afternoon at Sing Sing
than I had in months of afternoon in Harvard's hallowed halls. It was a profoundly
transformative experience.
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Many challenges call us into dialogue amongst ourselves as well as with
others unlike us on this fragile planet. "It would be easy for us to begin fighting
among ourselves as to who is right," says the Rev. William Sinkford. "Yet, there
is a world of difference between "witnessing" to the truth as we cannot but see it
(humble in our recognition that no human being ever "knows it all"), and
"arguing" about the truth (as though strong argument and absolute proof were
the same thing).”
In our UU congregations, we don't gather to yell at trees or at one another.
We are meant to gather in the spirit of love to witness to one another concerning
the truth within the matrix of our behavioral covenant. That covenant is our center
and our creed. Without it, we are nothing. Within it, we can live out our obligation
to seek truth as a disciplined community of love, and faithfully honor the
responsibility of each to think and believe and act with integrity. (Alice Blair
Wesley)
May this be a time of renewal, of faithful witness and hope, not
contentious argument or despair. May ours be a fellowship circle of trust and
healing words in which we are strengthened to think and to act as well as we
possibly can, even in times of confusion; even especially, when we ourselves do
not agree.
The writer Alice Walker admonishes us, "Our last five minutes on Earth
are running out. We can spend those minutes in meanness, exclusivity, and selfrighteous disparagement of those who are different from us; or we can spend
them consciously, embracing every glowing soul who wanders within our reach.
Listening to those who, without our caring, would find the vibrant, exhilarating
path of life just another sad and forsaken road. Perhaps the greatest treasure left
to us, maybe the only one, is that we can still choose."
The Book of Life will soon be open. Two hungry wolves wait at the door to
our hearts. Let us choose.
Blessed be and Amen.
© 2014 Rev. Robin Landerman Zucker. May be quoted with proper
attribution to author and sources.
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