May 1 2011 Holy Humor Sunday
Forest Gump in heaven
Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. However the Pearly gates are closed. The Gatekeeper, st
peter, says: “Well, Forrest, its good to see you. We heard a lot about you. I must inform you this
place is filling up fast and we,ve been administering entrance exams. The tests are short but you
have to pass them.
Forrest responds: “Nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain’t too
hard; life was a big enough test as it was.”
St Peter said: “The test is only 3 questions. One: What days of the week begin with the letter
“T”? Two: How many seconds are there in a year? Three: What is God’s name?
Forrest leaves to think it over. He comes back and St peter waves him over: “You had a chance
to think it over, what are your answers?”
Forrest says: “Well the first one is easy, that’s be Today and Tomorrow.”
The saint’s eyes opened wide and he says: “Forrest that’s not what I had in mind, but you have a
point. I’ll give you credit.” How about the next one?”
“Now that’s harder, “: said Forrest, “but I thunk hard and there are 12 seconds in ayear. January
2nd, February 2nd, march 2nd…..”
“Hold it, “ St Peter interrupted, “I see where your going with this, it wasn’t what I was thinking,
but I have to give you credit. Now, the final question, what is God’s name?”
“Sure” Forrest replied, “Its Andy!”
“ANDY!!” exclaimed an exasperated St Peter, “How did you come up with that!”
“Shucks, that was the easiest of all,” Forrest replied, “I learned it in church from a song:…”Andy
walked with me; Andy talked with me: Andy tells me I am his own.”
St Peter opened the gat and said “Run, Forrest, Run!”
WHERE IS GOD?
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and
10. They were always getting into trouble, and their
parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their
town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had
been successful in disciplining children, so she asked
if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed
and asked to see them individually.
So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the
morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in
the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat
the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is
God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no
response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook
his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is
God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran
directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the
door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he
asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We
are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and
they think we did it!"
Do you know your HYMNS?
The Dentist's Hymn........ ......... .......Crown Him with Many Crowns
The Weatherman's Hymn........ There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
The Contractor's Hymn........ ......... The Church is One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn........ ......... .......Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn........ ......... .There is a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn........ ......... ..Standing on the Promises
The Optometrist' s Hymn........ ......... Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn........ ......... ......... ...I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn........ ......... ......... ......... ..Pass It On
The Electrician' s Hymn........ ......... ......... ..Send The Light
The Shopper's Hymn........ ......... ......... ...Sweet Bye and Bye
The Realtor's Hymn. * I've Got a Mansion Just over the Hilltop
The Massage Therapists Hymn ............ ......... He Touched Me
The Doctor's Hymn........ ......... .The Great Physician
AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:
45mph....... ......... ....God Will Take Care of You
65mph....... ......... ....Nearer My God To Thee
85mph....... ......... ....This World Is Not My Home
95mph....... ......... ....Lord, I'm Coming Home
100mph.... ............ ..Precious Memories
Subject: Innocence is Priceless
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church
staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags
mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some
time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good
morning Alex.' 'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor,
what is this?'The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women
who died in the service.' Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service,
the 8:30 or the 10:45?'
A Pastor’s Visit
A member of a church, who previously had been attending
services regularly, stopped going. After a few weeks, the
preacher decided to visit him.
It was a chilly evening. The preacher found the man at home
alone, sitting before a blazing fire. Guessing the reason for his
preachers visit, the man welcomed him, led him to a
comfortable chair near the fireplace and waited.
The preacher made himself at home but said nothing. In the
grave silence, he contemplated the dance of the flames around
the burning logs. After some minutes, the preacher took the
fire tongs, carefully picked up a brightly burning ember and
placed it to one side of the hearth all alone then he sat back in
his chair, still silent.
The host watched all this in quiet contemplation. As the one
lone ember's flame flickered and diminished, there was a
momentary glow and then its fire was no more. Soon it was
cold and dead.
Not a word had been spoken since the initial greeting. The
preacher glanced at his watch and realized it was time to
leave. He slowly stood up, picked up the cold, dead ember and
placed it back in the middle of the fire. Immediately it began
to glow, once more with the light and warmth of the burning
coals around it.
As the preacher reached the door to leave, his host said with a
tear running down his cheek, 'Thank you so much for your
visit and especially for the fiery sermon. I shall be back in
church next Sunday.'
AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw
that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of
him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike
him.
At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and
even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'
'Am I to count you as a believer?'
The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be
hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but
perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'
'Very well', said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear
dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head &
spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty
through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
!
The Post Office
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son,
Can You tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this
street a Coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in
town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get
To Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't
even know the way to the Post Office."
KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a
Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand..
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?
DA END ISS NEAR!
Reverend Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor
Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.
One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground. The sign read:
DA END ISS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW BAFORE IT'S TOO LATE!
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled,
"Leave me alone, you Skandihovvian religious nuts!"
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
Reverend Ole turned to Pastor Sven and asked, "Do you tink maybe da
sign should yust say BRIDGE OUT?"
Praying for Jonathan
"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward to
the front at the altar,"
the Preacher says.
Jonathan gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher
asks,
"Jonathan, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Jonathan replies, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help
with my hearing."
The preacher puts one finger in Jonathan's ear,
and he places the other hand on top of Jonathan's head
and prays and prays and prays.
He prays a blue streak for Jonathan.
The whole congregation joined in with enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands,
stands back and asks,
"Jonathan, how is your hearing now?"
"I don't know, Reverend," Jonathan says,
"it ain't 'til next Wednesday."
Little Johnny's Confession
The children were all lined up for their first confession when Little Johnny’s
turn came. The priest asked him to confess his sins, and the boy promptly
replied, “Father, I threw a stone at Jimmy.”
“That was a very misguided thing to do, my son,” said the priest patiently.
“It wasn’t misguided at all,” said Little Johnny. “I hit him.”