Why Presidents Make the Best
Action Figures
Introducing Megan Freeman, one of Mirador’s new monthly
columnists! Her articles are posted on the fourth Monday of
every month.
It’s President’s Day weekend, and as usual, I am one of the
few people who is actually excited for the holiday. Every
year, the third Monday of February rolls around, and I find
myself wondering the same things: Why doesn’t anybody know
what holiday it is? Is there no appropriate gift I can
purchase for my loved ones? And why won’t anybody come to my
President’s Day party?
Fortunately, I’ve come up with the perfect solution for two of
these three questions (people still won’t come to my parties),
just in time for this year’s President’s Day weekend:
presidential action figures.
Think about it. What better way to celebrate a holiday than to
make wee plastic figurines of powerful men and reenact their
greatest moments?
I can see it now, young boys and girls glued to the television
when suddenly a voice rises from the regular clamor of
infomercials:
“Hey kids! Are you stuck at home over President’s Day weekend?
Are you tired of your boring old toys? Don’t you wish that
your Barbies and Bratz dolls had more substance and character?
Or that your super hero figurines could save the world without
resorting to violence? Well, say goodbye to those problems!
Introducing Presidential Action Figures! Each president, cast
in durable, high quality plastic, has its own fun adventures
to discover. With your very own George Washington figure, you
can… Cross the Delaware! Chop down cherry trees! Powder your
wig! Quell uprisings! Brush your wooden teeth! Ride your horse
Nelson! Bicker with Martha! And much, much more! With an
Andrew Jackson figure, you can… Disregard the judicial branch!
Have a rough and tumble childhood! Forcibly relocate thousands
of Native Americans on the Trail of Tears! Dissolve the
national bank! And much, much more! But the fun doesn’t stop
there! Collect all 44 for maximum fun! Presidential Action
Figures. Buy one today at your local toy store. Each president
sold separately.”
Even the lesser known presidents would be a blast. Just think
of the fun to be had playing out William Henry Harrison’s
death after 32 days in office, Warren G. Harding provoking the
Great Railroad Strike, John Quincy Adams swimming nude in the
Potomac, or William Howard Taft getting stuck in the white
house bathtub.
Truly the possibilities for this business endeavor are
endless. Once all figures of the presidents are out,
accessories will sell like hotcakes. Who wouldn’t want to buy
a wheelchair for FDR, all 80 pairs of pants that Chester A.
Arthur owned, or a saxophone for Bill Clinton? There could
even be a tiny Air Force One to transport the leaders. And the
White House would top any dream house Barbie ever owned.
Obviously, this idea is a goldmine, so please excuse me as I
hurry to the patent office and the millions start a-rollin’
in.